I’m 20 years, 5 months, 10 days, 11 hours and 41 minutes old as I write this. And I’ve never been in love. Or if I have, I have not received it back, or perhaps I’m so delusional of what love is, I wouldn’t even know it if I was in love, or out of love.
I use to think God created each of us for a sole purpose and mine was to experience the greatest love story of all time. I think that’s the true reason I went into film. Scared that I’ll never find it, so at least I can find it through story, at least I can give love back to the world through film. Those are the times I find myself in love, watching movies, forgetting who I am, and becoming a character who might experience love.
They say you can’t love someone until you truly love yourself. I don’t see how people truly love themselves. There’s always going to be positives and negatives about ourselves, and if we feel as if we are perfect for who we are, then we will never constantly try to better ourselves. I don’t believe you can’t love someone until you love yourself. Or maybe there is a world out there where people are completely happy with themselves, and I just haven’t found it yet.
I don’t set goals for myself while looking for love. Of course I have preferences, but they all go out the window when it comes to it. If there’s a chance for love, and I feel it is right, no preference is needed. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I should ‘stick to my guns.’ I guess I’m just afraid I’ll never find it, or I’ll appear selfish.
At one time, not to far ago, I thought I was in love. With someone I’ve never held hands with, with someone I never see. I occupy so much of my time with made-up situations, thats I’ve gotten ahead of myself. Thinking of what could be, instead of what is. That’s where I fell. I only wish I had the courage to ask him to break my heart, to tell me he will never love me, or perhaps that I’m even crazy because I spend so much time in my head instead of the actual world around myself. I fell, and I’m still holding onto the rope. I’ve been holding for a long, long time, and water is beginning to fill the hole. The rope is causing burns on my hands, and I don’t know why I chose to live this.
They also say you’ll find love when you’re not looking. Remember. Didn’t God put me on this earth to live the most incredible love story of all time?
I’ll always be looking. Always. Every single second that I live. My thoughts, my mind, my actions, all consumed by love.
I feel as if this post could be that of myself feeling sorry of myself. But it’s not. It’s that of frustration, and loneliness, and sadness.
As much as I want to be a film maker, and a music store owner, a baker, a spy, a musician, a writer, a mother, a sky diver, a dreamer, a artist, above all………..I want to be someone in love.
So give me the courage to drown for now, because in the end, I just have to have faith that I’ll be pulled out.
