The last few months of my life have been better than my entire life as a whole. France and New York allowed me to explore myself and the world around, and they were by far the best experiences I’ve ever had. With all that time to myself I pondered on who my true friends were, what some of my personal goals were, and although I might have been surrounded by unique locations, I knew I missed Savannah, Georgia.
I’ve now been in Savannah for over 2 weeks, and it has been a rude awakening. I’m sure I’ve changed, as well as the people around here, but beforehand not knowing what was going to happen with my future didn’t bother me. I was in college, enjoying the city, the people, the experiences, and nothing mattered that was long term. It seems non-stop the past few weeks however I’ve only been thinking, “What the hell am I doing here? More importantly, what the hell am I doing with my life?”
Suddenly the excitement of not-knowing is not enough for me. I mean seriously. Do I REALLY want to spend my life working on films? Do I want to direct, or write? Do I want to go to shows and become a reviewer, or perhaps an interviewer? Maybe I should move to Australia and pick strawberries, or own a store, or work on a boat? Maybe I should travel or start a family. Maybe I should become a ski bum, or spend the rest of my days busking in Ireland.
Like really? WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING???????
When I was younger and went to camp I would always get home-sick, it never failed. And the rest of the year I would become “camp-sick,” yearning to go back. It’s my favourite childhood memory.
The past few months, and more than ever days, I’ve been thinking about Lacoste, and my body actually reacts to the thoughts. I LONG for Lacoste. I LONG for the France Countryside. For the evenings spent at Alma’s pool with good food and good wine and good company. I LONG for the people I met. What I would give for 1 week, just 1 week in Provence. Soaking in the warmth, viewing the moon over the valley, watching Ernest and Melissa be in love, or Kyle and Rochelle bicker, David provide some religious insight and Cody to retort it, Alicia to sit and notice her surroundings, Ryan to make inappropriate humor, or to ride in those awful vans around those awful curves with the wind down and gazing out at the stars while listening to laughter and good music. My heart belongs in France. And sure, people love to travel and fall in love with places they see, but this is different. I feel like I belong there. And maybe if I went back by myself it would be different. I realize I will never be in that same place with the same people at the same time ever again, and I shouldn’t remorse, but rejoice the memories.
I need to find the real reason why I’m here. WHY DO I WANT TO BE IN FILM? Do I want to find love (perhaps with a celebrity?) Do I want to tell stories of love? Is love the whole reason I’m in this?
I need to figure this out. I want to figure this out. Oh God I feel so lost.
If only I didn’t worry. If I didn’t think negatively. If I didn’t care what people thought about me.
I’m not content. And that’s a problem…..
-Lindsay
