I’m at an odd place.
Today is odd.
Behold one of my philosophical moods. The whole “What is life” concept. Somewhat paralleling a game of Candy Land.
I went to see the first movie I ever worked on today, by myself. And I’m not sure how I felt about it. Because I’d met all the people, touched all the clothes, and knew the entire storyline before even entering the theater. It has a sub-plot love story, and all the magic was gone. It wasn’t real for me. And I don’t know if that’s what I want to do. Part of the whole reason I got into film was because of its magic and beauty. And this was a project I was pretty passionate about, and seems like something I’d want my work to represent, and it wasn’t a bad movie, it just wasn’t magical. However other people liked it, maybe it was magical for them. The question is though, do you create something that inspires others, however nothing out of it is left to inspire you in return?
The film became real to me, all I ever wanted. Was to be in a real situation like that. And I finally got my wish and the mystery was gone. I realize now maybe that’s why I loved film so much. Because it kept me going forward to something more, and now I realize there is nothing more.
Nothing to look forward too. No one to love. Movies are simply made-up. And what if you live 20 years with a grasp on what life is, and it turns out to be simply a myth.
Oh god, I just don’t want to be right now. Just to be still. For no one and nothing to exist. No concepts of love. No ideas of the future. No goals for a career. No friendships to care about. No places to ever want to go too.
Its all a lie.
Everything.
And I just don’t have the belief to cope right now.
I want out…..
