i was doing okay, in fact i was doing more than okay. but something about this week struck me the wrong way and i was flooded with emotion of unmotivation, scaredness, and tiresome. i want to call my mother and cry and explain how “i don’t want to do this anymore” and “this isn’t what I want.” but ever year, in october, she reminds me how i always do this. and it’s true. the past two years in fall i’ve always been struck with this feeling of dread.
i understand it will pass (it almost always does when the film festival rolls around) but it’s the suffocation of midterms and projects and your first realization that “you have another year of work” to do.
so, this is my year of optimism, and how can i look at this optimistically?
–this time next year, i’ll be living somewhere else, and not have to worry about tests or projects (grant it- i will have to worry about other things, but not these two)
–in 5 weeks the documentary will be complete, the books will be read, and i’m almost half way through
–i know that writing this screenplay is really playing tricks on myself, but maybe, just maybe in the end, i will feel differently and have this settled for once.
–i don’t have to work with students, ever, in the near future.
maybe these are pessimistic optimistic goals, but optimistic none-the-less
i really want a hug.
xoxo,
lindsay
